I don't know what to write...

Well, I feel just like one of my students.  I've been sitting here for awhile, waiting for an idea, and I've got nothing.  I'm not sure why.  I'm just not finding an idea that wants to go anywhere today.  I've started (in my head):

• a list of reasons why I teach
• a poem where every line starts with "T"
• an entry about making dinner for my daughter and her boyfriend

But none of these has gone anywhere.  Maybe it's Spring Fever.  It was beautiful today.  Almost 70 with a little sunshine.  Maybe it's because I was giving ISTEP and my brain didn't fully engage today.  Maybe I am just out of ideas.  Whatever it is, this is my best for Tuesday, March 6, 2012! (at least I think that's the date today....)

Enough!

I've been beating myself up
I haven't written every day
Day four passed by
No entry from me

Then I watched ESPN
I saw a man born
without lower arms or legs
who is a champion wrestler
who climbed Mt. Kilimajaro
on his hands and knees

At a rest camp
more than halfway up
he berated himself
for being so slow
then he realized
he'd been focused on how far he had to go
instead of
how far he had come

I realized I've been like him
instead of letting myself
see where I've been
I beat myself up
over where I am not

So...
I have missed a few entries
but I've still written more
than I had
at this time last year
and that is
GOOD.

First of the real lasts

I did it today.  I went to the first of my real "lasts."  Today was the first indoor track meet of this year...and the first for my last baby...who is also a senior.  So this is my first real last.  Before I could fool myself: this isn't the last band competition, there's another daughter coming in 4 years; this isn't the last sports event, there the baby coming right behind..and when football season was over, that was not so sad.  Track was yet to come.  And so track has begun, and it's time for me to face the truth.  It's ending.  This whole "busy full-time working mom who has to spend weekends at sporting events" role will wrap up on June 3rd. 

So today I took some extra time to enjoy.  I smiled extra big when he took off for the second leg of the 4x200. I let myself enjoy watching the stride of those legs that make him measure 6'4".  I clapped really loud when he cleared the high jump bar (not high enough for state qualifying, but there is still next week for that), and I even jumped up and down as he raced (literally) 55 meters over the hurdles.

I love being a mom.  It's probably what I do best.  It's definitely a reason I think I'm a better teacher.  I will always be a mom, but not in the same way.  And so I let it begin.  The real "lasts," the final good-byes, the packing up of not just a bedroom, but a major life role. 

Ouch.  This hurts.

And then there were 30...

31 days
Where can I find any ideas?

I've looked on the bottom of my shoes
Nothing

I've checked up my sleeve
Nothing

My mind is blank
There's nothing there

How will I fill
31
days?

(with special thanks to my student, Erica, for her feedback!)

Ironic

It's been a while
I thought I was done
I don't know
why
I let them
read my work.

But they think
I should write
more
and they won't
stop
until I do.

You see,
this is what happens
when you open your life
and your blog
 to your students.
They see
inside.
See things you may have
missed.
And push
YOU
just as you push
them.

And that
is
irony.

"Plans"

Chaotic
Confused
Unconnected
Random
Changing
Frustrating
Mandated
Maddening
Unclear
"Plans"

Tired.I am so tired.
The school year
hasn't begun
and
I
am
tired.

How
did this happen?
Summer,
a time of rest,
was instead
a time of
work.
Good work
even fun work
but work.

I am tired
before
I
have
begun.